Slyfox

Iguanas Abound or Assplugs Explained

A large dust cloud was approaching the iguana. Briefly it wondered what was going on, but decided that basking in the sun would be a much nicer prospect than investigating the cloud. It closed its eyes and relaxed. Vaguely it became aware of a thunderous rumbling vibrating through the ground. It ignored the sound. The sound became louder, and an eye flicked open. What it saw left it speechless — er, surprised then. A huge, shining (on spots) thing was approaching it at speeds in excess of 150kph! Its last thought before it went under the wheels of the Chrysalis Highwayman was… well, nobody knows, really. Nobody really cares, either.

Dongo was hungry. Except for numerous Cat’s Paw magazines, including the one with the article on Energy Weapons, another arsenal of weapons Dongo would just manage to screw up with, and a lighter that for some reason wouldn’t work, there was absolutely nothing in the car. Dongo briefly wondered how the hell that Picked Guy managed to survive with no food, but put the thought out of his mind when he drove past a sign reading: “Dustbag, 5 miles — Population 5000″. The 5000 had been scratched out numerous times, each time the new number was getting smaller. Thinking that some food may be found in Dustbag, he drove in the general direction in which the sign had pointed.

Dustbag is a lovely, thriving and peaceful community. Meaning there are riots only three out of seven days in a week. Dongo cruised past ramshackle buildings and burnt-out shells, in search of someplace to get munchies. Salvation was at hand in the form of a sign proclaiming boldly “MegaMunchies MegaMall!”. The title was misleading and a poor attempt at alliteration, at best. The “MegaMall” was a small white (yellow, then) building with a couple of guys with long hair and leather jackets leaning against the wall. Chawin’ thar tabaccaho. And cleaning their H&K 9mm SMGs. And eyeing the car. Suspiciously.

All of which Dongo missed while goggling at the whores in front of the Titty Twister across the road from the MegaMunchies MegaMall. Hunger (the kind your stomach tells you about) immediately forgotten, he double-parked and hopped out, tripping over his feet in his haste to get some boo-tay, and shouldering a man out of the way who was shouting really loud about all the booty you could get at the Titty Twister.

…Time passed… A bit more passed… He’s enjoying himself, isn’t he?

Finally, Dongo emerged from the Titty Twister, opened his… er… borrowed car’s door and climbed in. That’s when he discovered that he had climbed right into thin air.

He glanced about wildly, missing the MegaMunchies MegaMall again, but alas, the Highwayman had been hijacked by highwaymen. Glancing about again, less wildy this time, he finally noticed the MegaMunchies MegaMall, now without the highwaymen, and remembered that he was hungry.

The entripid explorer (yes, I do mean Dongo) stepped inside the unknown reaches of the MegaMall, in search of the elusive Cheesy Poofs. Cheesy Poofs are and extremely rare species of the munchius deliciousius family. They are often to be found in secluded areas such as pre-war vaults, half-buried ruins and in caves beneath radioactive settlements, where giant albino rats hatch their sinister plots. Cheesy Poofs should be approached with extreme caution, as some mutations of the species have displayed aggressive tendencies, causing severe intestinal pains and letting you lose some of your innards when the Cheesy Poofs pop out to say hi. Many people who possess large amounts of this rare foodstuff, claim that trying to use the box “does nothing”. This phenomenon has yet to be investigated.

To cut things short, Dongo emerged from the MegaMall, armed with vittles such as Cheesy Poofs, mutated apples and an Iguana-on-a-Stick. Contemplating the IoaS, the lizard bit his nose. To Dongo’s surprise, the IoaS then spoke!

“Hey, doc! You want to help me here? You do? Good! Then pull this stick out of my ass!”

Dumbstruck, Dongo complied, enduring the iguana’s unnaturally literate grunts and curses. Finally, the stick was pulled free and discarded.

The Iguana-not-on-a-Stick wiggled its rear end a bit to restore circulation. “Thanks doc. Ugh, I’m going to be constipated for a month… Say, doc… where you headed?”

Dongo scratched his ass (that’s where his mom always said his brain was), and replied that he had no particular destination in mind.

“Hey, you want to see Reno? I hear it’s great there.”

Dongo said that he wasn’t too keen, he had heard that bad things go on around there.

“There’s lots of booty, drugs and booze. Did I mention booty?”

Dongo said that he could learn to overlook the bad things.

And so, Dongo and his new friend, Harold the Mentats Iguana, set out to see Reno — the city of lights, whores, drugs, whores, booze, whores, gambling, people with gold teeth who smile a lot, and gang leaders who get killed but still manage to have children.

“I’m never shopping at MegaMunchies again…”