Slyfox

Covert Ops or We Wuv Whymeat

All in all, life was beginning to look like a soap opera. The big fat drunkard has just puked on the respectable guy’s shoes, the girl was pregnant and the evil doctor was extracting the liver from the unwitting patient. Unfortunately, Dongo wasn’t destined for the leading role in The Bold and The Radiated just yet.

Now, if you thought Vic was ugly, fat and stupid before, man, you should see his star performance now. All that Rogut doesn’t help to make a man chick-pulling. But all this is besides the point (pretty much like the rest of the rest of the story).

Dongo looked at his companions, who had finished their “inspection of the way out, just to make sure”. “There’s only one way to cure this… let’s call it a man, alright?… man’s sickness, guys. We shall have to go find a year’s supply of Dunton Drymeat!”

Harold and Mr. Potato Man gasped in shocked unison. “No! Not… not… Dunton Drymeat!”

Dongo nodded gravely. “Yes, I’m afraid it’s the only thing that will save this wretch,” Here Dongo gestured in a vaguely dramatic manner at Vic, “But we have faced so many perils, and we shall survive this encounter as well! That and I need to go take another bath…”

So up the myriad of ladders they went, going “ooh” and “aah” at the different shapes of the rocks, bringing them to the front door of the Duntons’ place.

Dongo looked sincerely at his companions. “OK, we’ll have to blow this door. We’ve got to take them by surprise!”

Harold, who was painted with camoflauge, took out the C-4 from his backpack and fixed up the door. “Go go go!”

From a safe distance, Dongo triggered the bomb, and they oohed and aahed as was appropriate when destroying another person’s private property with highly explosive materials. After waiting for the dust to die down, they moved in through the slightly (understatement of the year) enlarged front door and confronted the Duntons, who had been busy with a Cat’s Paw magazine up to the point where their front porch had been largely destroyed.

“What in the name of hell you guys think you’re doin’? I oughtta whip yo’ ass outta here into the next goddamn town!”

Dongo help his hand up. “It’s a medical emergency man! We’ve got someone who’s in dire need of Dunton Drymeat!”

Even the Duntons were shocked. “You mean… you actually… but it’s… hell, you know what really goes into… uh… I mean… well sure! That’ll be…”

And from there on, conversation degraded into boring haggling, Mr Potato Man rearranging his body parts to make his point, Dongo glancing at the Cat’s Paw and not paying attention to the Duntons whatsoever, and Harold examining the room for more spots to plant C-4.

Eventually, the triumphant trio emerged with bags full of Dunton Drymeat, having bought out the whole of the Duntons’ stock, and they set out to the mall again to bring the Drymeat to Vic.
Back in the gloom and puke of Vic’s cavern, they dragged the bags on top of each other.

“Now Vic,” Dongo addressed him, “This is your cure. It’ll take all your problems away.”

Vic looked up, and a faint glimmer of hopeful interest shone in his still bloodshot eyes.

“Yes, that’s right, fella! A year’s supply of Dunton Drymeat!”

At this, Dongo flung his arms out expansively, Vic cringed and wriggled, Harold sniffed in one of the bags and vomited, and Mr Potato Man rearranged his body parts. And then the fun part began where they force-fed a year’s supply of Dunton Drymeat into Vic.

With the arduous task complete, they sat back for a while, watching Vic, who was looking decidedly green.

“You think that’s envy?”

“Nope.”

Dongo stared at Vic a bit longer, when suddenly his eyes stretched.

“Run! She’s gonna blow!!!”

Quick as lightning, they scrambled up and made a bee-line for the exit. They were not quick enough. A torrent of Rotgut/Dunton Drymeat emerged from Vic, threatening to flood the entire cave. Harold was the first to go under the raging flood, followed by Mr Potato Man. Dongo was a step in front of the raging flood when he felt his legs buckle.

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”

The last thing Dongo remembered before being enveloped by the flood was the sight of Vic belching, rolling over and snoring contentedly.